I Choose to See Him, Feel Him, and Keep Trying.

Addy White

This is a bit vulnerable.

Sometimes I self-sabotage when good things are happening to me. I can "fake predict" bad things that will happen because of a good thing that is currently happening, or I can say, "Well yeah, but", to stop the good. I make the good "small", and I do it to protect myself. I tell myself, "If I make the good smaller, then when the bad comes it hurts less! I'm a genius!"

However, IT IS NOT TRUE. Making the good smaller does not make the pain of the bad less impactful. I am only cheating myself of the good by pulling out the joy.

I find that I do this so well that I don't always know I'm doing it! I have learned that if I can step back and self examine— I can choose to change my thinking. It is hard messy work and I'm still learning how to do it. I'm glad that I can see some of the times when I self sabotage, thinking I'll protect myself and my family from new harms. Hallelujah, I am learning to wake up and show up differently!

Guess What? 2020 has been a great year! Yes, I have never felt many of the feelings I have this year, such as deep shock and uncertainty. Yet, this year might have been one of our families BEST years. I choose to believe God has blessed us with piles of love, calm, support, and PATIENCE. God is good and He is with me and supporting me and I LOVE it.

I choose to see Him, feel Him, and keep trying.

Love,
Sister Addy White
Spruces Neighborhood
Young Women's, 1st Councilor